If Only
by allstressedout97
Summary: "'What' and 'if' are two words as non-threatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: 'What if'..." The group gather by the graveside as they think about what happened one year ago today. But where are those who aren't there with them?


**If Only**

_**AN: Hey guys, this is just a one shot I put together after re-watching the first few episodes of season 3. I own nothing; I hope you like it, please leave a review and let me know.**_

At first she was counting the hours, then the days, the weeks, the months. Now it was a new landmark.

A year. One year. Twelve months. Fifty two weeks. Three hundred and sixty five days. But a year all the same.

The pain didn't go away, neither did the regret or the guilt: people may have left her; she may have left them, but the guilt… no that was constant.

No one blamed her, because it wasn't her fault. The evidence pointed to the bartender, it was the obvious assumption. If only.

If it had been the bartender Jerry would still be alive.

If it had been the bartender Traci would be married by now.

If it had been the bartender Sam might have stayed.

If it had been the bartender she would still be working at 15th Division like she should be.

If it had been the bartender, she wouldn't be in this position.

It was cold, the harsh breeze only adding to the pain that today brought. As she looked out from behind the large oak tree she saw the large crowd of her friends as they sat by the graveside.

There were tears leaking down every one of their cheeks. Her heart broke a little more when she saw Leo and Traci clinging to each other. This was her fault. This was her mistake.

She looked at some of the gatherers: Traci: a mother, a widow, a woman holding on to all she had left. Leo: a son, a young boy who had lost his soon to be step-father. Oliver: a father, a friend, a police officer, a man that had made his way home. Gail: a victim, a woman who had lost faith in life itself. Nick: a soldier, a griever, a man hopelessly in love with a woman who wasn't sure if she could trust again.

She felt a hand on her shoulder but she remained focussed on the group. The voice that followed sent shivers down her spine,

"It wasn't your fault Andy; you have to stop blaming yourself." Andy lifted her hand to wipe away the stray tear. She refused to speak but let the arm go around her shoulder as she and the man watched the group together.

"I'm sorry," it leaked out of her mouth over and over again until she felt like she couldn't breathe.

"It's okay," he whispered as he tried to calm her down. He only wished she would stop blaming herself.

She took a deep breath and focussed back on the group, they were saying their goodbyes for today, she locked eyes with Leo and waved, and the shocked look on his face made her heart break once again but as the shock fell it was replaced with a tiny smile.

He whispered something to his mum and Traci looked confused but nodded. Leo rose and scampered towards her; he stopped a few feet away from her and let out a big breath,

"Hi." Andy smiled at the young boy,

"Hey buddy," Leo's eyes shone with emotion,

"I miss you." Andy could barely see for the tears falling down her face but despite this she pulled the boy in for a hug,

"I know buddy, I miss you too. I'm sorry I went away." She placed a kiss on his forehead and Leo hugged the man before returning to his mother.

The man behind her cleared his throat, "Andy we have to go now," she turned to see tears falling down his face, much like her own but she managed a nod. He held out his hand and she placed hers in it.

The two faced the group for the last time smiles spreading over their faces as they saw the family huddled by the grave, they were okay.

Leo looked over at the large oak tree and smiled at the man and the woman and then looked up at the man by his shoulder,

"They're okay you know Uncle Sammy," Sam's eyes widened at the boy's statement.

"What do you mean Leo?" Leo smiled,

"Auntie Andy and Jerry," Hurt flashed across the older man's face and Leo saw the pain that he felt as Andy's name was mentioned. Was it pain or was it regret?

"I never told her I loved her Leo." Leo smiled weakly,

"She knew Uncle Sammy; you let her drive your truck." Sam had to chuckle at the ten year olds reasoning. He looked over to the tree that the young boy kept looking at.

He could have sworn that he saw two figures fade away into the shadows.

One year. Twelve months. Fifty two weeks. Three hundred and sixty five days. But a year all the same.

If it had been the bartender Jerry wouldn't be dead.

If it had been the bartender he never would have needed space.

If it had been the bartender he never would have left Andy crying in the parking lot.

If it had been the bartender Andy would never have taken the UC opp.

If it had been the bartender Andy would never had been in that position.

If it had been the bartender Andy would still be alive.

**The End**

**Please Review! – C x**


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